Psalm 73

So I have a confession...

If any of you know me really well, you know that I'm a thinker and a day dreamer.  You also know that I'm a perfectionist and super indecisive. So knowing that about me, you can probably imagine my reaction to being in the states for a month.  After living in Italy for the past 4.5 years, it was enjoyable and yet stressful at times, especially when you add in the factor that during the whole trip I was thinking and praying about our decision of where to go once our five years in Italy are up.  

We returned to Italy with still no decision made about if we should return home or stay here, and with all the thoughts that I had from our recent trip so fresh in mind I found myself in a place that I shouldn't let myself be in.  My doubts and thoughts about "what ifs" and "could haves" were quickly drowning me in bitterness.  What if we hadn't stayed so long? We could have been farther along in our careers.  We could have been long done with grad school. We could have a nicer house, car, you name it.  

Why was I doing this to myself?! All it did was make me bitter about the choices we made and unhappy. Luckily, I'm a lot closer to God than I was before we moved to Italy, and I know now that this destructive way of thinking has to be nipped in the bud immediately! I wasn't sure how to do it, but I found myself craving to dig deeper into the Word and pray even more to God in order to help me stop being better and learn to be content with true joy.  

And God came through for me like he always does.  Just in the second day of me feeling this way, I stumbled across this psalm when I was actually working on preparing lessons for VBS.  So this wasn't one of my Bible reading sessions specifically "catered" for my own growth.  I was actually doing some "work."  And I cannot tell you how Asaph's psalm spoke to me.  He felt exactly the way I felt.  He was so bitter towards the wicked because, lets face it, he was jealous! He wanted what they had (and no I'm not saying that people who have a nice house and car are wicked! I could just relate to the fact that he wanted those things that other people had).  

But just look at what he does. He laments and admits that he was jealous.  You can tell he's in a dark and bitter place.  But then what did he do?  He went to the sanctuary of God, and he realized how stupid all of it was.  He was reminded again of the fact that none of that matters.  He realized that he would only be truly content if God was the only thing he truly desired. 

I was just speechless when I read this.  I had read it before as evidenced by some highlighting, but I'd completely forgotten about it.  My mind froze and then it was racing in a million directions at once.  I couldn't believe how much I related to him.  I was bitter/jealous of the life I could have had, searching God's word for some comfort (He went to the sanctuary), and was reminded of where true joy comes from and that really none of that other stuff matters.  So if I never have it, that's ok because I have God. 

I don't know if anyone else feels like this ever, but really I needed to write this post mostly for me.  So that if I get into that place of bitterness again, I can come back here and be reminded of what I learned when I read Psalm 73. 

God Is My Strength and Portion Forever

A Psalm of Asaph.

73 Truly God is good to Israel,
    to those who are pure in heart.
2 But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled,
    my steps had nearly slipped.
3 For I was envious of the arrogant
    when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4 For they have no pangs until death;
    their bodies are fat and sleek.
5 They are not in trouble as others are;
    they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
    violence covers them as a garment.
7 Their eyes swell out through fatness;
    their hearts overflow with follies.
8 They scoff and speak with malice;
    loftily they threaten oppression.
9 They set their mouths against the heavens,
    and their tongue struts through the earth.
10 Therefore his people turn back to them,
    and find no fault in them.[a]
11 And they say, “How can God know?
    Is there knowledge in the Most High?”
12 Behold, these are the wicked;
    always at ease, they increase in riches.
13 All in vain have I kept my heart clean
    and washed my hands in innocence.
14 For all the day long I have been stricken
    and rebuked every morning.
15 If I had said, “I will speak thus,”
    I would have betrayed the generation of your children.

16 But when I thought how to understand this,
    it seemed to me a wearisome task,
17 until I went into the sanctuary of God;
    then I discerned their end.

18 Truly you set them in slippery places;
    you make them fall to ruin.
19 How they are destroyed in a moment,
    swept away utterly by terrors!
20 Like a dream when one awakes,
    O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms.
21 When my soul was embittered,
    when I was pricked in heart,
22 I was brutish and ignorant;
    I was like a beast toward you.

23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
    you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength[b] of my heart and my portion forever.

27 For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
    you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
28 But for me it is good to be near God;
    I have made the Lord God my refuge,
    that I may tell of all your works.